


Nowhere

by sorryabouttheangst



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Ben Solo Doesn't Turn to the Dark Side, As far as I know they will only appear once during the story in that section, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Cuddling & Snuggling, Devoted Reylo, Drug Abuse, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, Jedi Rey (Star Wars), Kinda, Mentions of Pregnancy, More tags to be added, Past Child Abuse, Protective Ben Solo, Protective Rey (Star Wars), Rey Needs A Hug, Rey from Nowhere, Rey is 18 when her and Ben get together, Rey is Not a Palpatine, Scavenger Ben Solo, Scavenger Rey (Star Wars), Since it’s not actually said until chapter 4 I’ll go ahead and say it here, Soft Ben Solo, Surgery Mention, blood mention, in this house we pretend tros doesn’t exist, more like, these last couple tags are for a dream/memory section
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:27:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22155502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sorryabouttheangst/pseuds/sorryabouttheangst
Summary: “Why did you come to Jakku?”Ben goes still where he’s bent over their solar lantern, carefully repairing one of its broken connectors. It flickers to life and he sets it down onto their table, picking up a cloth to wipe the oil from his skin.“Ben,” she presses, shifting forward on the stool he built last year, “Talk to me.”“I’m hiding from my past,” He whispers, just loud enough for her to hear over the night winds.“What will you do if it finds you?”He doesn't answer that, she’s not sure she wants to know the answer anymore.
Relationships: Ben Solo & Han Solo, Finn & Rey (Star Wars), Finn/Rose Tico, Leia Organa & Ben Solo, Leia Organa & Rey, Leia Organa/Han Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 56
Kudos: 139





	1. Chapter 1

The boy from somewhere has fat on his arms, in his cheeks. One glance tells her that he’s used to eating regularly and she bets he won’t last a month.

But he does.

For almost a year, they're rivals, fighting over scrap and pushing each other out of the way of discovery. She cracks the end of her staff against his head and rips out a handful of that pretty hair and he fights back just as furiously. But then everything changes in the belly of a crash, when he finally gets his knife against her throat the second hers threatens to gut him.

_ “You know, we’d work better together than apart, scavenger.” _

He’s smart, book-smart, but doesn't know a thing about getting a solid deal with Plutt and she’s trade-smart, but a lot of the time not strong enough to pull the heavy, more valuable salvage out of the walls and floors of the Destroyers. 

_ “What’s your name?” _

_ “Ben.” _

_ “Nice to meet you, Ben. Pull your weight or I’ll slit your throat myself.” _

Rey’s rope snaps one day in the second year of their partnership and she plummets, leg cracking against the sandy floor, and she knows she’s going to die. He’s going to leave her, she’s a liability, she won’t survive out here; especially since the early signs of the  _ X’us’R’iia  _ were tearing across the desert this morning. If he leaves now, she’s sure he’ll just barely make it back before the storm hits their shelter.

He doesn't leave. He  _ refuses  _ to leave.

The winds howl and thunder booms closer and closer to where they are but he boards everything up as well as he can and they hunker down together; the wind throwing sand in at them and lightning showing through the cracks in the makeshift door. She clings to him, hours into the blinding darkness, and he never lets go. He covers her body with his own when the sand comes rushing in and the lighting forms jagged shards of glass just yards away.

They somehow make it out alive, despite being mostly-buried in the sand and severely dehydrated after spending sixty-seven hours in the heart of the  _ X’us’R’iia.  _ Her leg doesn't truly recover after that, having not been set properly after the break; and she’s afraid he’ll leave her since she can’t scavenge as well as she used to.

But he doesn’t. 

He moves into the AT-AT, and he  _ stays _ . 

And for the first time in so long, Rey isn’t alone.

“Why did you come to Jakku?”

Ben goes still where he’s bent over their solar lantern, carefully repairing one of its broken connectors. It flickers to life and he sets it down onto their table, picking up a cloth to wipe the oil from his skin.

“Ben,” she presses, shifting forward on the stool he built last year, “Talk to me.”

“I’m hiding from my past,” He whispers, just loud enough for her to hear over the night winds.

“What will you do if it finds you?”

He doesn't answer that, she’s not sure she wants to know the answer anymore. 

. . .

  
  


The sun rises behind the  _ X’us’R’iia _ on the first day of the third year.

“Why do you stay here?”

“I could ask the same of you.”

Their hammocks are now hung together, swaying gently in the wind that leaks in through the door from the storm. If they weren't this close she’s doubt she’d be able to see him, the dust and sand clouding the air from the storm barely being kept back from their lungs by cloth wrapped over their noses and mouths.

“I’m waiting for my family to come back for me.”

His eyes are searching, burning into her own with an intensity that forces her to look away.

“You already know, don't you?”  _ That they aren't coming back _ hangs between them unsaid. She turns away from him, pulling the blanket farther up over her head.

“They’re coming back for me! It's just taking them a little longer than they thought.”

It comes out far too close to a sob to be the sharp retort she had intended it to be, and she hears him move behind her. He comes around to the side and kneels before her, pulling back the blanket to meet her eyes.

“You don't really believe that. I know you don’t.”

Her face crumples in front of him, eyes squeezing shut and chin quivering, and he leans forward to gather her into his arms. They sit there on the ground for a long time, he rocks her until her sobs subside and then for a little while after.

“Let the past die,” he murmurs that evening, once the storm has cleared and the light of the setting sun spills over the floor, gently pulling the ties from her hair and combing through it with his fingers before he begins to braid, “Kill it if you have to.”

The  _ X’us’R’iia  _ uncovers a yacht half a mile from their home and they get there first the next morning, before the other scavengers. They strip it clean, hoarding it up in the AT-AT to take to Plutt over the next few days, and the pay they get from it is enough to feed them a full portion each every day for the next month.

That night, Rey has a nightmare, the old memories her parents abandoning her rising to the surface again as she rests, and he holds her tight as if he can protect her from them.

They're so close she can feel his heartbeat, can feel the way hers moves to match it, till they beat as one.

They kiss for the first time after that, and it feels  _ right,  _ like the universe has been waiting a thousand years for this very moment.

Like it’s been waiting for  _ them.  _

. . .

  
  


“I stay on Jakku because I can be myself here.”

Rey leans further back into his chest, turning her head to look up at him; her fingers entwined with his own on his raised knees. Ben looks up, into the vast array of stars the galaxy holds, and she can see the tension in his jaw.

“Before I came here, I was at a Jedi school.”

She twists roughly, whimpering as she puts too much pressure on her bad leg, her hands leaving his own to grip onto his shoulders so she can pull herself around more, “You were a  _ Jedi? _ ”

“They wanted me to be one, yes. It didn't really work out.”

Her eyebrows rise in question, but quickly fall again when her current position causes her more pain. Ben shifts, curling an arm beneath her and standing, gathering up their canteens with his other hand and walking back into the AT-AT. She grins, pressing sandy kisses onto his scruffy cheek and then one to his lips before he sets her down on the nearby stool. Ben lights the lantern and returns to her, kneeling down in front of the stool and carefully beginning to roll up her pant leg.

“For as long as I can remember, there was a voice in the back of my head,” He takes her leg in hand, gently kneading the displaced and strained muscles and tendons, “It said horrible things, things that scared me as a child. It said that my parents didn't love me and that there were others who  _ would _ .”

He refuses to meet her eyes, focusing only on his work, “I got angrier as time went on and eventually I’d hear them talking behind closed doors about how I was scaring them. They sent me to stay with my uncle because they thought that he could help me manage my anger and my fear.”

He sighs and for a moment his eyes look ancient, exhausted. He sets her leg down when her hands come to hold his face, and lets his head fall into her lap. 

“It didn't work, did it?” Rey murmurs, her fingers pulling at the ties on the braid he had pulled his hair into that morning and freeing it from them, “It only made it worse.”

“He sensed darkness growing within me and it scared him. I woke to him about to murder me.”

She goes still, hands tightening in his hair for a moment, before she lets out a shuddering breath.

“I got away that night but the voice kept trying to pull me its way, so once I got here I cut myself off from the Force.”

“Do you still hear it?” 

He shakes his head and she leans down, pressing her lips to his hair and breathing him in.

. . .

The fourth year began, and it was like any other, until Ben’s past finally found him.

“Do I know you?”

They're in the marketplace, waiting in line to trade with Plutt, and there’s a stranger there. The muscles in Ben’s shoulders tense up, ready for a fight, and the stranger draws closer.

“I don’t think you do. I’m just a scrapper.”

“No, no, I recognize you from somewhere, I'm sure of it.”

The line shifts forward, they're almost to the front, and she can feel that Ben’s ready to run but they both know that it'll do nothing but make them look more suspicious.

“Unless you come here regularly to sell scrap, I don't see how that'd be possible, buddy.”

Something crackled in the air, she felt it, something bone-deep and  _ alive.  _ She became very aware of every creature and person in the area, everything suddenly sharper, and then it went silent, all except for what the stranger said next.

“Wait a minute, I almost didn't recognize you beneath the dirt. You’re Ben. Ben Solo.”


	2. Chapter 2

They ran.

There was a sureness to the man’s expression, recognition, and when Ben dropped the handle of the sled and grabbed her hand, she didn't hesitate in running with him. He carried a lot of her weight to accommodate her leg, but it didn’t slow them down as much as she feared it would.

They gathered only what they could carry, stole one of Plutt’s barely usable ships, and left the planet’s atmosphere without another word. They jumped to hyperspace for only a moment to put distance between them and Jakku, and that was all it took for the engine to let out a sharp  _ pop _ and die on them.

“This thing is an actual garbage heap,” Ben commented when she was in the engine compartment, trying to spark it back to life to get them out of the emptiness of space and to the nearest planet.

“I’m just grateful it made it through the atmosphere.”

Rey pulled at a part and it wouldn’t budge. Ben couldn’t reach it, his hands were too big to fit in the narrow side of the compartment, but they had to remove it to finish the repair. She pulled it again, focusing, feeling something well up within her, and suddenly the part gave way.

“Got it!”

. . .

They ended up on Coruscant.

It wasn’t the best place to be, too crowded, too many eyes, and the tension never quite left Ben’s shoulders even when they were alone. They slept in their garbage heap of a ship that smelled terrible, and tried to piece it back together while they picked up odd jobs in order to keep themselves fed.

“You’re Ben Solo,” Rey said, laying in the hammock next to his.

He didn’t say anything, only nodding, and she could feel the unease rolling off him in waves.

“Your mother is the General?”

“She is,” He hesitated, “And my father is Han Solo.”

She tried to picture them all together, the general in her regal and elegant outfits that she wears for her holo-appearances, grainy from the bad reception on Jakku, Solo in his classic smuggler outfit, and Ben.

Her Ben.

The picture didn’t quite fit, fractured, Ben’s hair caked with sand or engine oil next to their polished holovid appearances, but she forced the pieces together in her mind.

“How long has it been since you've seen them?”

He was silent for a long time, and when he finally did speak it was in a whisper, “Thirteen years. They visited about a week before my uncle attempted to kill me in my sleep.”

He’d wandered, hiding from his past, for eight years before he’d landed on Jakku. Her heart hurt for him, knowing that those eight years would have been full of fear, of pain, of being alone.

“I’m glad you came to Jakku,” She murmured, and she knew he’d hear her. He always did.

“I’m glad I did too.”

. . . 

Something was awake within her.

A light, small but there, growing, and something dark lurked in the corners around it.

_ An image flashed across her mind, a place, a crash, roaring waves, the hallways, someone there, a blur of red light from a saber as the person turned around and began to lower their hood- _

_ “There you are _ .” A voice said, an ancient voice that felt like Death itself, and she woke up feeling more afraid than she ever had in her life.

Ben was still asleep, at peace, and she couldn’t help but climb into his hammock with him, despite it not being made for two, and pressing her ear to his heartbeat in an attempt to gain that same peace.

His arms curled around her, turning them slightly so it was more comfortable, and he held her without words until she finally fell asleep again.

He was working at the docks the next day, helping them lift the smaller loads of salvage, when one of the cranes above them gave an uneasy groan. Rey’s eyes snapped up to it where she sat on one of the crates, and something within her sensed the connectors snapping, the metal weakening,  _ bending. _

She went to yell his name and the chain holding the cargo container snapped in two, sending the cargo plummeting down at Ben and the other worker next to him.

She screamed, her hands flew up, and the container  _ stopped. _

. . .

They fled the planet that night as news of a Jedi began to spread, and Rey’s sleep was restless.

_ A throne, darkness surrounding it, the same place as the first dream, chanting in an old language she couldn’t quite recognize, but that something in her knew. Her hands were covered in blood, and when she looks down at her arms she finds that she’s dressed in different clothes. Bright white, spotless, soft, a strong contrast against the darkness around her, to the blood on her hands. _

_ An even stronger contrast to the one on the throne. _

_ Another Rey sat on the throne, arrayed in black cloth, that same blood on her hands. She looked powerful, at ease, strong. _

_ The other Rey looked away from her, to some other point to her right, between them, and Rey looked there as well. It was Ben, in grey, between them.  _

_ The other Rey smiled, something soft and gentle, loving, and reached out to him. _

She woke up violently, hands shaking, feeling as though the blood was still wet and scarlet upon them. 

“What do you dream?” Ben asked, softly, from where he piloted the ship through the emptiness of space.

She sat down across his lap, craving that closeness, and curled against him as much as she could without impeding his ability to pilot. His heartbeat healed her again and again.

“A place. Darkness. Last time there was a voice that made me more afraid than I’ve ever been, this time I only saw myself. Myself on a throne, with you between me and her.”

He took a deep breath, and kissed her forehead, soothing her before he spoke.

“What did the voice say?”

_ “There you are.”  _ It rang out in her mind again, and she shuddered before she said it in her own voice. 

Ben went still, breathing ceasing, and when he spoke it was filled with worry, “Promise me you’ll tell me if you dream of this voice again.”

She nodded, and he took one hand off the controls to gather her closer, to remind himself that she was safe. 

Rey slept, again, for a short time, and when she woke again, he spoke.

“You’re strong in the force, powerful, and it will be noticed. Even if no one on Coruscant had seen, other Force sensitives would have felt your power fully come to life. My mother, for one, and the voice that haunted my childhood.”

“They’ll try to find us.”

“They will. The voice is named Snoke, who was once the apprentice of the Sith Lord Palpatine. If he calls you, Rey, you must resist.”

She nodded again, and the uneasiness that has lived in Ben’s body for so long took up residence in her, curling up around the spark of light as if it could protect the growing flame.

. . .

The Hosnian system was  _ gone.  _

Obliterated.

They watched the news report from their ship in horror. There were tears of anger in Rey’s eyes, tears of hate, and Ben simply shut his eyes and let his head fall into his hands as the system was destroyed again and again on the screen.

“Who is responsible?” She asked, and he recognized the voice.

It was the same one when someone tried to steal their scrap, hitting Ben in the head with the butt of a rifle, the same voice from just before blood was spilled on the sand and those who would harm them fell dead around them. 

“The one who haunts us both. Snoke.”

Rey paced, leaning heavily on her staff, tears still in her eyes, and he watched her.

“I can’t stand by any longer, Ben, when I have the power to do something about it. It’ll kill me if I do. Snoke killed all those people, he hurt  _ you.  _ And he’ll hurt and kill so many more if we don't stop him.”

“He’s too powerful, Rey-”

“We don’t have to be alone.”

She wanted to go to the resistance, he could sense it in her. In the set of her jaw and shoulders, in the clenched fist at her side, in the fire in her eyes. 

“Rey, I can’t. It’s been far too many years, she won’t take me back.”

“You don’t know that.”

She stopped in front of him, pushed the hair off his forehead, and her eyes softened ever so slightly behind the fire. 

“If she won’t take you back, or you don’t feel certain about being there, we’ll go. I’ll follow you, I swear.”

“What about your leg?”

“If they can’t fix it. I can be a pilot. I have to do  _ something,  _ Ben.”

He let out a long sigh and nodded, knowing that when she got an idea in her head, there was no stopping her.


	3. Chapter 3

They landed on a planet called Takodana, outside of a castle that shimmered with the Force.

Something happened here, she could feel it, and when she mentioned it to Ben, he nodded.

“Thousands of years ago, there was a battle here between the Sith and the Jedi. Maz’s castle was built over the ruins.”

She could feel it stronger then, the footsteps left behind in the earth, the blood that sang in the plants. It quieted to a hum when they went inside, the heavy doors closing behind them. There must be something in the walls, she guessed, that dimmed the signatures in the earth beneath them.

The cantina was crowded with people. Criminals, locals, anyone who needed a drink and was willing to not talk politics or fight in Maz’s establishment. Ben pulled her to the bar, asked the bartender for Maz, and she pressed a button beneath the counter.

A nearby door flew open, and there stood the pirate queen herself.

She stepped into the room, saw him, and froze; a look of shock on her face.

“Ben Solo?” 

He shifted on his feet, setting his shoulders in an attempt to look comfortable with being there. From the look on her face, it didn’t quite work. Rey grabbed the hem of the back of his shirt, steadying him, and maybe herself.

“Maz.”

“I didn’t sense you.” Her eyes widened beneath the goggles, “You’ve cut yourself off from the force.”

“It was the only way-“ He insisted.

“Everyone thinks you’re  _ dead,  _ young Solo. Your mother-”

“Maz,” It came out harsh, angry, and the pirate queen frowned. His voice softened again after a moment, strained with nervousness, “I’m here because I need to know where to find her. So I can see her.”

There was a beat of silence where Maz studied both their faces, and then she nodded, “It’s time you went home. I’ll send a message ahead so they don't shoot you down.”

“Thank you.” 

She whispered the location into his mind, and he flinched, Rey’s hand tightening on both his shirt and her weapon. Maz’s eyes grew sad for a moment before she turned to Rey.

“And  _ you _ ,” She took her by the hand and dragged her through the door towards a set of stone stairs that led down into the basement, “I have something for you.”

Rey threw a look of confusion back at him over her shoulder, and he just shrugged and followed them down the stairs. Maz was one of those people you just couldn’t predict, best to just go with her plan. 

There was a chest there, among the piles of other things, and she threw it open, pulling out something wrapped in cloth.

“It’s been waiting a long time.” She put the bundle in Rey’s hands, “Do you feel how restless it is, child?”

She did. Whatever was wrapped in the cloth was  _ alive, _ having waited so long and now realizing that it was free once more.

Ben gasped when the light glinted off the lightsaber in her hands, “It’s Luke’s.”

“And his father’s before him.”

“You should have it,” Rey said, rushed, pushing it into his hands, “I have my staff and I’m better with it than I would be with this anyways.”

He took it, and holding it made him aware of the emptiness around him. He couldn’t sense the restlessness, couldn’t feel the hum of his grandfather’s lightsaber in his hands or in his mind.

For a moment he missed it, missed the vastness and overwhelming beauty of the Force.

“We’ll make you one eventually, weighted and shaped like your staff so it feels natural.”

Rey nodded, and he clipped the saber to his belt, giving a nod and murmur of thanks to Maz.

“Now.” She clapped her hands and ushered them back up the stairs, “You best get home now, Solo. You’re very,  _ very _ late.”

. . .

He almost turned the ship around a dozen times, mind supplying a list of planets that could serve as a temporary home for them. 

But it was the lightsaber next to him that kept them going in the direction of D’Qar. 

The Force was guiding them, he was sure of it now, even though he couldn’t feel it. Why else would his grandfather’s lightsaber be in the place they went seeking information on the location of the Resistance? The Force had willed it all, had brought them together on the sands of Jakku, had kept them alive through the  _ X’us’R’iia,  _ had brought the stranger to them and caused the accident at Coruscant.

It had plans for him, plans for Rey, and that scared him. 

He almost considered opening back up the connection to see what he felt in the Force, but quickly put that thought away. It was too dangerous, especially now. If he fell from the light, he worried that Rey would fall with him.

The force and him were not one. They would never be one. 

He would be sure of that, for her safety.

Rey slept in the copilot chair, wrapped in his cloak. She’d offered to drive them there, knowing how nervous he was, but he’d insisted, and she’d settled in next to him as she always had. 

They’d come so far from those first meetings on Jakku, where far too much blood was spilled on the sand instead of simply working together. It’d taken being at a stalemate for things to change, slowly but surely.

Working together on a couple larger hauls, her hitting a thief over the head with her staff as he tried to steal from Ben’s bag, the fall and the storm that changed everything.

He’d carried her home, to their home, and he hadn't left.

Nothing happened between them till months later after her leg had healed as well as it could, a slow and soft fall for both of them. All the sudden they realized there was something other than just loyalty there. Love. 

Where there had once been loneliness, they found companionship. Where there was once fear, there was peace. 

Where they had once been nothing to so many, they became everything to each other. 

She blinked slowly, waking up, and sleepily smiled at him. Her hand stretched out to him, and one of his left the controls to take it. 

“I love you.” She murmured, eyes falling shut again.

“I love you too.”

She smiled again, and it remained even after she dozed off again, his hand in hers.

Far too soon, they reached the planet, and she woke again, going back to grab what little had not been thrown into their bags before setting a hand on his shoulder

She had so much faith in this place, he could only hope that it did not break her heart once they landed.

. . .

The second they walked down the ramp, they were at gunpoint.

“We’re not here to hurt anyone,” Rey said, voice steady. 

She was somehow calmer about this than he was, but he supposed that was normal for anyone who regularly fought off other scrappers for a haul since they were just a child. Though beneath her calm appearance, he could sense the fear lingering beneath, her fingers curling around her weapon as her eyes darted around the room.

They were outnumbered, and she knew it, but he knew that she’d go out fighting before she’d let them lay a hand on him. 

_ “Don’t.”  _ He whispered to her, low enough that no one but her would hear it. Her jaw clenched, and she said nothing in response, focused fully on how the crowd parted to allow a regal woman through to the front. 

“Ben Solo, you are under arrest for the destruction of the Jedi temple, the attack on your master, Luke Skywalker, and the murder of your fellow students.” 

His mother’s voice was crisp, but beneath it he could hear the wisps of hurt. Confusion settled over him, and Rey glanced over at him in question,  _ the murder of the students? _

“I didn’t kill them, and I didn’t attack him.” Ben insisted, looking his mother in the eye, “Look into my mind and you’ll know it to be true. You’ll know that I awoke in the dead of night to your own brother standing over me, lightsaber drawn, preparing to kill me in my sleep.”

Murmuring and gasps rolled over the gathering crowd, and Leia took another step closer, “And the students?”

“They split into two groups once they learned of what had happened. One sided with their master, the others feared for their own lives and turned on him. Most of them were killed, and those who were left from those who feared Luke attacked him once he pulled himself from the rubble.”

Silence fell, horrified, over the crowd. You could hear a pin drop. Leia was pale. He shifted more in front of Rey, wanting to be sure that if some daring member of the resistance took a shot that she would not be hit.

“He killed them?”

“I saw it myself as I took one of the ships and fled for my life, Luke Skywalker against four students, and since you didn’t accuse me of his murder I already know who walked away from that fight. I’m surprised that the old man isn't here to defend his story.”

“He’s missing. Left years ago.”

“Sounds guilty to me,” Rey muttered behind him, and it took all of his willpower not to laugh. 

Leia pressed at the border of his mind, and he held the walls up, onto letting through the memories she needed to see and not letting anything else through. He’d had enough practice through the years, especially before he had figured out how to cut himself off from the force, to do so with ease. 

Her face fell, heartbreak, and when she spoke, everyone heard.

“It’s true. Stand down.”


	4. Chapter 4

They were quickly moved away from prying eyes, back into a private meeting room.

“I thought you were dead.” Leia whispered, “Your force signature just disappeared one night. We mourned you.”

“I was dead long before that,” He said, and she looked like she’d been slapped, “Cutting myself off from the Force was the only way for me to live as I should have been allowed to my entire life.”

Silence fell for a long time. Leia knew her son well enough that an apology would be worthless to him right now, he’d only say it was too late, and there was nothing else either of them could think to say. She looked over at Rey, who had been watching the whole thing unfold, and smiled.

“Can you sense her in the Force, Ben? Even though you're cut off?”

“I can’t.”

“I wish you could, it’s like she’s the sun. Such a strong presence.” She turned her attention fully on Rey then, “I sensed you weeks ago, but with everything going on I didn't have anyone to send to look for you yet. What’s your name?”

“Rey.”

“A beautiful name.” And there’s the charm his mother always had, but he could tell it wasn’t forced, like it was with some people he’d seen her meet during his childhood, it’s genuine.

Before she could speak again, the communicator beeped and she tapped at it.

_ “He’s here, ma’am.” _

“Send him to me.”

Ben shoulders tensed and he slowly rose from the chair he’d sat down in when they’d arrived to this room. An older man stepped through the doorway, and Rey knew without question that this was Ben’s father.

“Hey kid,” His voice was soft, almost unbelieving, and then he stepped forward and pulled his son into his arms.

Ben was an affectionate person, Rey knew that, but based off his reactions to his family’s touch, she would have guessed that he hated to be touched by the way he gingerly wrapped his arms around his father, and later, as they were leaving, his mother. 

They hadn’t stayed long after Han had arrived, the air so tense and uncomfortable that Leia made up some meeting that Han and her needed to attend, and she called someone in to give the other two a tour of the base.

After that there were more introductions, far too much small talk, and by the time Rey and Ben made their way to their shared room; they were exhausted and her leg was aching like it did after a long day of pulling scrap out of a wreck.

“Regretting it yet?”

She laughed, but it was soft, tired, “No, not quite yet. You?”

He sat down on the edge of the bed, the first real bed he’d had in so many years, that  _ they've  _ had, and worked on the laces of his boots for a moment before he spoke.

“I’m with you.” He met her eyes, “And I'll stay with you.”

She felt like she was in the  _ X’us’R’iia  _ again, all those years ago, with a shattered leg and no hope. She felt like that moment when she realized he was staying, that he wasn't abandoning her, that even though things weren’t okay, he would remain.

They were going to be okay, because they were together. It was all they needed.

. . .

_ The throne loomed, the other Rey sitting atop it. _

_ “It could be yours, child. Anything and everything in the galaxy.” _

_ She wanted to wake up, wanted to be away from the terrible voice that haunted her. Rey looked away from the other on the throne, not wanting to see the other, and the voice returned, commanding. _

_ “Look.” It insisted, and she had no choice but to do so. _

_ Ben was on the throne with the other, her sitting across his lap, both arrayed in the dark. They looked happy, in love, at peace. His hand ran along the curve of the other’s stomach, their child. The tension was gone from Ben’s shoulders, there was only peace, only freedom.  _

_ “They’ll only cause him pain. They’ll never understand him, not like we do. You know that.” _

_ “They can understand him if they try. They will. I’ll make sure of it.” _

_ “Aren't you angry that they hurt him, child? That the Jedi code of peace brought nothing but pain to his life?” _

_ She didn’t have to say anything, it was visible on her face.  _

_ The Jedi had failed Ben, that was a fact. She couldn't change that. She could feel the glee in the air around her, and the voice sounded pleased. _

_ “Peace is a lie, child. There is only passion.” _

_ The chanting began, surrounding her on all sides. The Ben on the throne whispered it as well. The other Rey disappeared, and then Rey realized that she was in the clothing that the other had worn, that her stomach was heavy with child as the other’s had been. _

**_Through passion I gain strength._ **

**_Through strength I gain power._ **

**_Through power I gain victory._ **

**_Through victory my chains are broken._ **

_ Ben left the throne, walking down the steps to her, his hands falling to touch her stomach where their child grew. The baby kicked at his touch, their force signature bright and warm and more beautiful than anything in the galaxy. _

_ He looked her in the eye, and his voice alone delivered the final line. _

**_The Force shall set me free._ **

_ He backed up again, holding out a hand to her. _

_ “You’ll have to make a choice,” The ancient voice said, “You can have it all. You can give him the galaxy and he can give you the family you seek.” _

_ A flame was in her hands, flickering, struggling to survive in the darkness that surrounded them.  _

_ “You can save him from death,” The voice soothed, and then turned dangerously cold, “Or you can condemn him to it.” _

She woke up with tears in her eyes and no air left in her lungs.

The breath she finally took was gasping, and suddenly Ben was awake next to her, his hands on her cheeks.

“The voice,” She said, and his eyes were filled with grief for her, “Ben, what do I do?”

How could he answer that? He didn't know what to do except for cutting himself off from the force, and he knew she wouldn’t do that.

This power inspired her, pushed her, makes it to where she can help more people.

She’d never throw it away for comfort.

“We’ll find a way,” He said, again and again, “I’ll keep you safe.”

_ “It’s not me I'm worried about,”  _ She wanted to whisper, but she held back.

They laid back down to not sleep, to instead hold each other and not find peace for the first time in a long time, and she put her free hand against her stomach, trying to imagine that little glimmer of light again, that precious glow that was  _ theirs. _

She cried as she finally fell asleep hours later, and he wiped her tears away. 

. . .

They talked to Leia first thing in the morning, and came to a quick agreement that Rey needed to be trained.

“You should, she trusts you,” Leia said, after Han had convinced Rey to leave Ben’s side for once to work on the Falcon.

His side felt empty without her presence, as if he was missing an organ and everything was caving into the space.

“I can’t go back to the Force, it’s too dangerous.”

“My son,” The line of his jaw set, and she sighed, “You don’t need the force to train her, the knowledge still lives within you. And what you can teach, I can or Luke-”

“Not Luke. I have no interest in tracking the old man down when she has a perfectly capable teacher.”

Leia chuckles, taking a sip of her tea, “Then I’m glad to see we’re in agreement.”

“I’ll speak with her once she’s done working on the Falcon, she’ll need her leg looked at before she can begin her training.”

. . .

“So, tell me kid, how old are you?”

“Twenty standard years.”

He hummed in acknowledgement, and it took all her willpower to not point out just how obvious he was when he asked his next question.

“And this thing between you and Ben?”

“Somewhere around two years. We knew each other for a while before that.”

“Where did you meet?”

He was  _ terrible _ at this. Far too obvious. Leia was much sneakier, managing to pull information from the two of them during the handful of minutes of small talk the day before that she’d only realized later once they had retired for the night. 

“Jakku, out near Niima outpost. Have you been there?

“Not Niima, but on the planet, yes.” He moved to hand her the tool she needed to finish, and looked her in the eye, “Is he happy?”

He already knew the answer, she could tell. If she said yes, it would prove that he’d been happier without them for years. But she knew she wouldn't say no.

She’d never been one to lie to spare feelings, Ben was the only exception.

“Yes.” She believed he was, she hoped he was, she knew that she was when she was with him. 

Han turned away, and she could sense the conflicting feelings in his soul. 

The want for his son to be happy, and the grief that they could not provide that for him.

. . .

Ben arrived to collect her shortly after she finished the repair, breaking the silence that fell over the interior of the Falcon

“The General has arranged for a doctor to look at your leg.”

Han’s hands went still, “She’s your mom, Ben.”

Ben didn’t reply, only reaching down to help Rey off the floor, his other hand reaching out for the staff balanced against the wall. She squeezed his hand in thanks, gave him a pointed look that said  _ talk to him,  _ and limped off the ship.

“I know. The General also wishes to speak with you, when you're ready.”

Han sighed, and Ben turned on his heel, following Rey’s path down the ramp. Han watched his son take her hand and smile before they walked away, out of sight.

The base was loud, always filled with movement and chatter, and while it was overwhelming, she loved it. The medbay was quiet though, except for the beeping of the machines and the occasional hushed voice.

Her leg could be fixed, and it could be fixed that day. The droid said that the surgery would be quick, less than an hour, and the bacta will speed up the healing process significantly. 

Rey wanted to  _ run _ again, on her own, it had been so long she almost didn’t remember what it felt like. 

“You’ll be here when I wake up?” 

“Of course.”

She smiled, and the sedative dragged her under into sleep, and the last thing she felt was him holding her hand.

When she woke up hours later, he was still there, asleep in his chair with his head on the blankets next to her. She reached out, gently poking at his forehead until he woke up, sleepy eyes meeting her own.

“You’re killing your back.”

“‘M fine.” He mumbles, but sits up in the chair at her request, creases on his cheek from the blanket, “How are you feeling?”

“Good. Doesn’t hurt right now.”

“They told me that the bacta should have it nearly completely healed by tomorrow.”

She nodded and patted the space next to her on the bed.

“The medical droid glared at me for sitting on the edge of the bed earlier. I can only imagine the tantrum it'll throw if I sleep next to you.”

“It’ll be a great show, I’m sure.” She patted the bed again, pouting, “I’m cold.”

He rolled his eyes, glanced around to see if the droid was watching, and then squeezed into the space next to her. His feet hung off the edge of the bed, but the discomfort was worth the feeling of her curling into his chest.

When they left the next morning, droid tantrum narrowly avoided, she still needed the staff for stability; but the droid assured her it would get stronger in time. 

And it did. 

Within just a handful of days, the treatments and therapies began to work and the muscles became strong enough for her to stand without the staff. Walking still wasn’t the easiest but she found ways to use the Force to keep her upright.

It felt strange, seeing her walk again. He’d look for the staff in her hand, only to not find it, and would instinctively look around for it so he could give it back to her. He’d reach out as she walked, a steadying hand around her waist, and then realize she didn’t need it anymore.

He still did it though, even after he’d realized it, and she didn't mind. 

. . .

“We could use two Force users on our side,” Poe Dameron said to him as Leia worked with Rey to build walls in her mind. 

“You have her,” Ben insisted, “She’ll be enough. I swore I would never open myself back up to the force again, Dameron.”

“This is war, you know that. The more strength we have the better the outcome will be. The safer  _ she _ will be.”

“That couldn’t be farther from the truth, Commander.” 

He turned on his heel, and left Poe behind, following the winding hallways till he was back in their room. Ben sat down on the floor, squeezed his eyes shut, and ever so slightly opened himself back up the force. Not fully, no, he didn’t dare do that-

_ “I should have known you would return to me after all this time. The smear of darkness amongst all the light-” _

He slammed the walls down again, putting it all away under a thousand locks and keys, and could barely draw air into his lungs. Then there was a hand on his face,  _ Rey,  _ her palms cradling his cheeks, filling his vision with  _ her  _ and only her.

“Ben? Are you alright?” His mother’s voice filled the room, and Rey’s eyes glanced to her and then back to him.

“I’m fine.” He said, moving to stand, but Rey held him there.

“I felt it.” She whispered, “When you opened the door, I sensed it. And Ben,  _ I heard him.” _

“Did you hear it?” He turned roughly to Leia, who shook her head.

“All I know is that she heard it and ran to find you. I didn’t sense anything.”

Ben’s hands were shaky when they rose, and he saw Rey balancing mostly on her good leg, staff nowhere in sight. He reached out on habit to steady her, to let her fall more into his side. She didn’t need it, but he did, and she knew that.

“I can’t go back to the force,” He told his mother, “It’s not safe.”

She nodded, and they did not speak of it anymore after that. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Sorry about the wait, a lot has been happening. Chapter 2 of Curse of Fear is about halfway done, it’s a bigger one so it’s taking more time than I thought it would. I’m also about 10k words into planning/writing another fic (Empress Rey/Jedi Ben) that I’m really excited about. Hoping to start posting that soon. 
> 
> The tags have been updated for some things in this chapter but I’ll also put a warning here. There’s a memory/dream sequence about Rey’s parents where there is child neglect/abuse, mentions of drugs, and alcoholism; as well as a blood mention. 
> 
> Thanks for reading and I hope you like this chapter!

He teaches her, and they train together.

It’s a strange feeling, practicing the Jedi forms again, but not feeling so alone as he did in the temple. She picks it up far easier than he thought she would, as if she grew up with it, and quickly master the forms. Her only trouble is her leg, still gaining strength, has become her weak spot. 

In time, it will become just as strong as the other one, they know, but for now, he watches out for her left side; and knows that if they were in battle, he’d protect it with everything he has in him. 

Their fighting styles are alike, their fights more brute force than grace, and for such a small person she can really throw her weight into every swing. 

Leia mentions to him that she seems off when they practice meditation, and he asks Rey about it when they’re working in their garbage ship yet again. The availability of parts to fix things has Rey working on it every chance she gets and most of the time he goes with her. 

“It feels different now, I don't know what changed.”

“Different how?”

“When I reach out into the Force, there’s a door. I can still reach out to the living Force, but the door,” She pauses, looks his way, “There’s something behind it, and everything in me is saying that it’s important.”

“When did it appear?”

She thinks about it for a moment, and a look of realization crosses over her features.

“After you closed yourself off again.”

. . .

There’s nothing they can do about it, so they set it aside.

Rey meditates around the door, and he keeps it shut, keeps himself locked away.

She wishes she could see him in the force again, she had for a split second before he shut himself off again, and it felt like home, like returning from a long day of salvaging to her bed.

She dreams blurry dreams, ones that don't quite make sense, but that hold an undercurrent of darkness and threats that make it hard to sleep. 

So, instead of sleeping, she sneaks away to their ship and continues the work until Ben wakes up and brings her back to him. She meets other in these visits, an ex-stormtrooper named Finn, a mechanic named Rose, and one of the star pilots, Poe Dameron.

They tell the story of how Finn ran away from the Order, saving Poe along the way, and she meets BB-8 as Poe is giving a dramatic reenactment of punching General Hux in the face.

The little droid bumps into her legs, rolling around her and beeping questions at her, and something weaves together in the force. The feeling of family, something like what she has with Ben, and she welcomes it.

When Ben finds her in the bay that night, he doesn't bring her back to bed, he sits down beside her, joins her. His arm wraps around her, she leans into his side, and he  _ laughs _ at something Poe says.

There’s something about the sound, about the feeling that consumes her when she’s safe and happy with these people, that tells her that this is  _ right. _

This is where they’ve been meant to be all along.

. . .

The First Order finds them, and they run.

The Resistance loads up their ships, and flees D’Qar in the dead of night, and from their new home on Ajan Kloss, they learn of its destruction.

“This can’t happen again,” Leia says, “We cannot allow it.”

“I can take a team to Starkiller,” Poe says, rises from his seat, anger still radiating off him from the news, “End this bloodshed and deal a deadly blow to the Order in the process.”

Leia approves the mission, and the base falls into the organized chaos that is The Rebellion.

Rey volunteers for the mission, and where she goes, Ben does too. 

It’s quick, efficient, and they walk away without a single injury between the group of twenty. They're home by sunrise, crashing into bed half-asleep and still in their mission clothes. 

_ Jakku’s sun is warm on her skin, heat radiating up from the sand and through her boots. Someone takes her hand, and when she looks over she meets the eyes of the Other Rey. She’s wearing a black dress, sleeveless and soft, the fabric tight over her stomach where her child grows. _

_ Ahead of them, in the shade of one of the tents of Niima Outpost, a man lays, breathing shallow, on a ratty blanket. A woman stumbles towards him, a cup in her trembling hands, and slumps down against the metal wall behind him. He reaches up, tries to take the cup from her hand, and nearly gets it to his own lips before she yanks it back. His skin breaks beneath her nails in the struggle, blood staining the blanket and sand, and she pulls her knees up to her chest to protect her prize before she drinks it.  _

_ A girl, who Rey knows is barely older than five, appears at the gates of the outpost, dragging a small sled. There’s not many parts, but she cleans them and takes them to Plutt, hoping that they'll be enough.  _

_ “Did you get them?” The woman asks with a slurring voice, hazy-eyed and shaky, when the girl returns, “Give me the credits, girl.” _

_ The girl hands her the few credits, and the woman squints at them, holding them close to her face.  _

_ “I’m hungry.” The girl whispers, swaying slightly on her feet, “I didn’t eat yesterday either.” _

_ The woman doesn't hear her, or maybe she pretends not to, “Take these, go get me another drink.” _

_ “There won't be enough after-” _

_ “Go, Rey.” _

_ The anger that has been slowly sparking to life within her nearly overwhelms her then, as the Memory Rey stumbles back towards Plutt’s store.  _

_ She knows what happens next, and in a desperate move to keep from crying, she reaches out into the Force to the child growing in the Other. The light is soft, soothing, the sound of a steady heartbeat blocking out the sounds of Rey’s mother drunkenly screaming at her when she finds her hiding in another tent, quickly eating and praying to R’iia that her mother fell asleep. _

_ Tears stream down her face, and not even the heartbeat of the child that is not truly hers can block out the memory of what happens next. Of how her mother, in a fit of anger, sold her to Plutt for drinking money.  _

_  
Plutt slips extra spice in their next drinks, enough that their hearts slow and eventually stop, and quickly moves to sell the ship they had parked in the bay. _

_ Behind the heartbeat, Rey can hear herself screaming for the ship, her home, to come back, as her parents are buried in the sand just yards away. _

_. . . _

When she wakes, the first thing she feels is  _ loss.  _

She realizes with shame that she’s begun to welcome the dreams with the other, if only to sense the light and good that is the child the dark side tempts her with. 

They can’t have that child, not till Snoke is dead. 

“We have to kill him,” She whispers to Ben, who she can sense is awake next to her.

“We will.”

He reaches out to her, and she returns to his arms, finding peace once more. 

. . . 

The Falcon returns to the planet, to the Resistance, three days after the attack on Starkiller.

Han had left shortly after she was able to leave the infirmary, realizing that Ben still needed time, and he tried to give him that. He brings back news from across the galaxy, as well as a data chip.

“What is it?” Rey asks, when she sees him hand it to Leia.

“A map.”

“A map to what?” Ben appears in the doorway, a frown pulling at his features.

Leia sighs, turning the data chip over in her hands, “To Luke, Ben. The map to where he’s been all this time.”


End file.
